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jokes
Feb 6, 2009 11:43:43 GMT
Post by vicar on Feb 6, 2009 11:43:43 GMT
joke always cheer us up, but heres a exchange that actually happened. its from a book called disorder in the american courts. attorney-doctor before you performed the autopsy,did you check for a pulse. witness-no. attorney-did you check for blood pressure. witness-no. attorney-did you check for breathing. witness-no. attorney-so is it possible the patient was alive and breathing. witness-no. attorney- how can you be sure doctor. witness-his brain was in a jar on my desk. attorney-i see but could the patient have still been alive. witness-yes it is possible and he could also have been practicing law.
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jokes
Feb 6, 2009 13:12:46 GMT
Post by olegunner on Feb 6, 2009 13:12:46 GMT
Heres mine
A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.
He shouts 'this is a raid - everyone get on the floor!!', and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.
As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava. the robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts.. 'Did anybody else here see my face?'.
The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also.
'Did anybody else see my face?' he shouts again, waving his gun around. There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner..
'I think my missus caught a glimpse....'
and one more
John worked in a small chemist but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Mick, the owner, had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last. Just then a man came in coughing and he asked John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Mick’s warning he sold the man a box of Laxatives and told him to take them all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post. Mick had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired. "He wanted something for his cough but I couldn’t find the cough syrup. I substituted the Laxative and told him to take it all at once," John explained. "A Laxative won’t cure a cough" Mick shouted angrily. "Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Look at him. He’s afraid to cough."
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jokes
Feb 6, 2009 17:12:32 GMT
Post by miami on Feb 6, 2009 17:12:32 GMT
Oh I like this jokes topic...lots of laughs.
here's my contribution:
duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!"
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again and I'll nail your dang beak to the bar you irritating dang duck!"
Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No"
Duck says: "Got any bread?
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jokes
Feb 6, 2009 17:31:20 GMT
Post by Queenie on Feb 6, 2009 17:31:20 GMT
A man falls asleep on a beach and gets severe sunburn. He's rushed to hospital by his wife where the doctor rubs lotion over him and prescribes Viagra. 'Viagra?' exclaims the wife. 'What good is viagra in his condition?' The doctor replies, 'It'll help keep the sheets off him'.
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jokes
Feb 6, 2009 20:14:16 GMT
Post by WestAlbany on Feb 6, 2009 20:14:16 GMT
LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN.... A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating". Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate." Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him. Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight." The teacher sat down and cried.
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jokes
Feb 6, 2009 22:23:17 GMT
Post by rightsoted on Feb 6, 2009 22:23:17 GMT
ah nice one vicar just what we all need a good old laugh................trouble is i can't fekkin think of any at the moment
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jokes
Feb 6, 2009 22:40:07 GMT
Post by olegunner on Feb 6, 2009 22:40:07 GMT
This couple are in bed one cold wet windy night. In the middle of the night they hear a knock on the door, but ignore it. 2 minutes later they hear the knock again. The husband opens the door and there is this soaking wet fella there who says "you couldn't give me a push could you". The husband says feck off and goes to bed. On his return he tells the wife what happened. She says, "you remember 2 years ago our car broke down in the middle of a stormy night, and we went to a house, and the helpfully man there sorted us out. Maybe we should do the same for that fella". So the husband gets up, goes down to the door, opens it and shouts into the wind "where are you", to which you man replies "I'm on the swing".
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marie
Junior Member
Posts: 599
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jokes
Feb 7, 2009 1:09:46 GMT
Post by marie on Feb 7, 2009 1:09:46 GMT
;D Paddy Englishman and Paddy Scotchman walked into a bar - Paddy Irishman ducked under it ...........!
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jokes
Feb 7, 2009 2:13:05 GMT
Post by gnimelf on Feb 7, 2009 2:13:05 GMT
Woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for an inuendo. Then he gave her one.......................................
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jokes
Feb 7, 2009 2:17:43 GMT
Post by joepublic on Feb 7, 2009 2:17:43 GMT
Heard on a BBC radio 5 live 'phone in programme' discussing the world economic recession:
Caller:- 'Thanks to my financial adviser I now have a small fortune.
Presenter: That's very interesting, tell me more.
Pause……………..
Mind you, I started off with a large fortune.'
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jokes
Feb 7, 2009 2:29:14 GMT
Post by WestAlbany on Feb 7, 2009 2:29:14 GMT
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'
She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.'
The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?'
She says, 'That he did, Father.'
The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary? '
She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
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jokes
Feb 7, 2009 2:34:09 GMT
Post by WestAlbany on Feb 7, 2009 2:34:09 GMT
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, 'ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.'
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jokes
Feb 7, 2009 13:51:16 GMT
Post by joepublic on Feb 7, 2009 13:51:16 GMT
This is an old one but it's still good for repeats.
A poor family in Mayo, Pat and Mary Dunne, had an only son Cornelius ( known locally as Neilie ) who decided to head for London to make a living and send a few bob back to his parents in Mayo. They checked a few of the English newspapers and saw there was lots of building work in the WC1 area of London so the plan was to head there and look for work. The big day came and off they went to Knock airport, the parents, Neilie and his best friend Mick from down the road. Neilie boarded the plane it took off and they waved him goodbye, Mary shed a few tears and the Pat said "sure he'll be grand". Months went by and not a word fom Neilie, the parents were getting a little anxious and wondered what to do. Eventually they talked Mick into going to London and checking up on Neilie. Mick arrives in Heathrow and goes around with his mouth open amazed at the size of it and thinks this is London. He wanders around for hours and eventually sees a sign for WC and follows towards it. He goes through an entrance door and and soon sees a door with WC1 printed on it. He goes up to the door and knocks on it and shouts "are you Neilie Dunne" and a voice comes back "I am but I can't find any paper" and then Mick shouts back "well that's no excuse for not writing to your mother"
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jokes
Feb 7, 2009 14:17:00 GMT
Post by vicar on Feb 7, 2009 14:17:00 GMT
"paddy" asked the barmaid, what are those two bulges in the front of your trousers."ah" said paddy. theyre hand grenades. next time that queer flaherty comes feelin me balls, i"ll blow his bloody fingers off.
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jokes
Feb 7, 2009 15:56:11 GMT
Post by olegunner on Feb 7, 2009 15:56:11 GMT
Husband and wife...
BEFORE MARRIAGE:
Husband - Aaah! ...At last! I can hardly wait! wife - Do you want me to leave? Husband - No! Don't even think about it. wife - Do you love me? Husband - Of course! Always have and always will! wife - Have you ever cheated on me? Husband - No! Why are you even asking? wife - Will you kiss me? Husband - Every chance I get! wife - Will you hit me? Husband - Hell no! Are you crazy?! wife - Can I trust you? Husband - Yes. wife - Darling!
AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top.
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