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jokes
Feb 12, 2009 19:24:51 GMT
Post by vicar on Feb 12, 2009 19:24:51 GMT
john philips was going to bed, when his wife told him she had left the light on in the garden shed and would he go and turn it off. john opened the back door to go out and turn the light off, when he noticed there were two theives in the shed robbing it.he raced back inside and rang the guards. they informed him that all the guards were busy and that when one was available they would call around to him.john said ok and hung up. he then counted to 50, rang the guards again and said, i rang you a couple of minutes ago to report a robbery in progress dont worry about it, as i have shot the theives. then he promptly hung up, within 5 minutes three squad cars,an armed response unit and three ambulances arrived at breakneck speed to his yard gate. one of the guards said to him, i thought you said you had shot them. john said, i thought you said nobody was available.
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jokes
Feb 12, 2009 20:18:08 GMT
Post by WestAlbany on Feb 12, 2009 20:18:08 GMT
Jogging with Bill Clinton
Bill Clinton started jogging near his new home in Chappaqua.
But on each run he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day.
With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her for what was most certainly to follow.
"Fifty dollars!" she would cry out from the curb.
"No, Five dollars!" fired back Clinton .
This ritual; between Bill and the hooker continued for days.
He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty dollars!"
And he'd yell back, "Five dollars!"
One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog!
As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Bill realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the junior Senator.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Bill became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there was the hooker!
Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled... See what you get for five bucks!?"
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jokes
Feb 12, 2009 20:32:27 GMT
Post by Queenie on Feb 12, 2009 20:32:27 GMT
A Texan visiting Australia goes into a bar in the outback and says 'Y' know, this country may be big, but back home I've got a horse that takes a whole week to ride round my ranch'. The barman replies, ' I know what y' mean mate, I had a horse like that once- I had to shoot the lazy bastard'
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jokes
Feb 13, 2009 9:46:53 GMT
Post by WestAlbany on Feb 13, 2009 9:46:53 GMT
First grade teacher had twenty-five students in her class and she presented each child in her class the first half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.
It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you! While reading these, keep in mind that these are first graders - 6-year-olds - because the last one is classic!
1. Don't change horses......until they stop running.
2. Strike while the.........bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before...Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of.....termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but.......how?
6. Don't bite the hand that......looks dirty.
7. No news is............impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a...........Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new..........math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll......stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust.........me.
12. The pen is mightier than the..........pigs.
13. An idle mind is.........the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's.....pollution.
15. Happy the bride who.......gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is..........not much.
17. Two's company, three's........the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what......you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.....you have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as....Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not......spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed.......get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you....see in the picture on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind.....get out of the way.
The WINNER and last one!
25. Better late than...........pregnant.
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jokes
Feb 13, 2009 20:54:26 GMT
Post by olegunner on Feb 13, 2009 20:54:26 GMT
An Italian lawyer and an Irishman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that Irishmen are so dumb that he could put something over on them easily...So the lawyer asks if the Irishman would like to play a fun game. The Irishman is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The Italian lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says. This catches the Irishman's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?' The Irishman doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the Irishman's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Irishman and hands him $500. The Irishman pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Irishman up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?' The Irishman reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
Don't mess with the Irish.
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jokes
Feb 13, 2009 21:07:30 GMT
Post by sugarloves on Feb 13, 2009 21:07:30 GMT
brill
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jokes
Feb 14, 2009 1:59:30 GMT
Post by WestAlbany on Feb 14, 2009 1:59:30 GMT
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
**********************************************
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
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jokes
Feb 14, 2009 14:41:03 GMT
Post by vicar on Feb 14, 2009 14:41:03 GMT
john o"reilly,hoisted his beer and said,heres to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife. that won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night. he went home that night ,and told his wife,mary,"i won the prize for the best toast of the night. she said,"aye,did you now.and what was your toast. john said,"heres to spending the rest of me life,sitting in church beside me wife. "oh, that is very nice indeed,john,she said. the next day, mary ran into one of johns drinking buddies on the street corner.the man chuckled leeringly and said,"john won the prize the other night with a toast about you,mary. she said,aye,he told me,and i was a bit surprised myself.you know,he"sonly been there twice in the last four years.once he fell asleep,and the other time i had to pull him by the ears to make him come.
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jokes
Feb 14, 2009 17:22:05 GMT
Post by WestAlbany on Feb 14, 2009 17:22:05 GMT
----- These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
______________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
______________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
______________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
______________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
______________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
______________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
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jokes
Feb 14, 2009 21:02:02 GMT
Post by olegunner on Feb 14, 2009 21:02:02 GMT
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
HER DIARY: Thursday, 24th June
Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I went Shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so thought it might be that. The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat. All through dinner he just didn’t seem himself; he hardly laughed and didn’t seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I just knew that something was wrong. He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he hesitated but followed. I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on. After about 10 minutes of Silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile. He didn’t follow me up but later he did, and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me and that he had found someone else. I cried myself to sleep.
HIS DIARY Thursday 24th June
United lost to Liverpool . Gutted. Got a s*** though
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jokes
Feb 14, 2009 21:41:48 GMT
Post by vicar on Feb 14, 2009 21:41:48 GMT
two men were adrift in a lifeboat following a escape from a burning freight vessel.while rumaging through the boat provisions,one of them found a old lamp.secretly hoping that a genie would appear,he rubbed the lamp.to the amazement of them a genie appeared.this particular genie,however,stated that she could only deliver one wish,not the standard three.without giving much thought to the matter,the man blurted,make the entire ocean into beer.the genie clapped her hands and the sea turned into the best beer they had ever tasted.the genie vanished, freed from her penance.only the gentle lapping of the beer against the boat could be heard,suddenly the other man looked at his friend whose wish had been granted digustedly he said,nice going,now it looks like were going to have to pee in the boat.
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jokes
Feb 15, 2009 1:24:51 GMT
Post by WestAlbany on Feb 15, 2009 1:24:51 GMT
Points to Ponder
1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?" 2. Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt." 3. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? 4. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? 5. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the car pool lane? 6. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is? 7. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway? 8. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! 9. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner? 10. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? (sound it out...) 11. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? 12. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? 13. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? 14. Stop singing and read on.... 15. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? 16. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? ...
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jokes
Feb 15, 2009 9:54:57 GMT
Post by joepublic on Feb 15, 2009 9:54:57 GMT
Points to Ponder 1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?" Adam 2. Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt." Tungsten Butlik 3. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? there's no live stuff in the freezer 4. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? Jimmy wrote the song 5. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the car pool lane? dead right 6. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is? children do 7. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway? just in case something falls out 8. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! it's in the contract 9. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner? creature of habit 10. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? (sound it out...) harder to cheat in a test 11. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? snips, snails & puppy dog tails 12. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? not if there's a bill to pay 13. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? too dark to play the piano 14. Stop singing and read on.... 15. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? not if it's stuffed down their neck 16. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? ... bad breath
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jokes
Feb 15, 2009 11:48:15 GMT
Post by WestAlbany on Feb 15, 2009 11:48:15 GMT
Great replies JP
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jokes
Feb 16, 2009 16:46:39 GMT
Post by Queenie on Feb 16, 2009 16:46:39 GMT
Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words. 1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs. 2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained. 3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. 4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk. 5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent. 6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown. 7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp. 8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash. 9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller. 10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline. 11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam. 12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists. 13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist. 14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms. 15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there. 16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men. The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. 2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid. 3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period. 4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. 5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. 6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. 7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness. 8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.) 9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer. 10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you. 11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action. 12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. 13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. 14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out. 15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating. And the pick of the literature: 16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
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