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jokes
Feb 7, 2009 20:03:54 GMT
Post by WestAlbany on Feb 7, 2009 20:03:54 GMT
Mrs. McGervey was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.
The Father said, 'Top O the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. McGervey and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?' She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'
The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'
She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'
The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.'
She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.' They then parted ways.
Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. McGervey, how are ye these days?'
She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!' The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?'
She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!'
The Father said, 'That's wonderful! And where might be yer lovin' hoosband?'
She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle
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jokes
Feb 8, 2009 23:00:47 GMT
Post by joepublic on Feb 8, 2009 23:00:47 GMT
Witty sayings
1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set. 2. A day without sunshine is, like, night. 3. On the other hand, you have different fingers. 4. Getting lost in thought may put you in unfamiliar territory. 5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 6. Perhaps you're diagonally parked in a parallel universe. 7. Honk if you love peace and quiet. 8. Remember, half the people you know are below average. 9. Despite the high cost of living, it's still extremely popular. 10. He who laughs last thinks slowest. 11. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 12. Drive way too fast and you don't have to worry about cholesterol. 13. If you intend to live forever, so far, so good. 14. Borrow money only from pessimists; they don't expect it back. 15. Support bacteria; they're the only culture some people have. 16. If at first you don't succeed, destroy the evidence. 17. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. 18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 19. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism. 20. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques. 21. No one is listening until you make a mistake. 22. Success always occurs in private; failure, in full view. 23. The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it. 24. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it. 25. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. 26. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles. 27. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. 28. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. 29. A clear conscience is frequently the sign of a bad memory. 30. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. 31. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
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jokes
Feb 8, 2009 23:15:10 GMT
Post by WestAlbany on Feb 8, 2009 23:15:10 GMT
Italian Honeymoon!
After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to his friends.
Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treep?"
Luigi said, "Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down."
"Whata you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.
"Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia, she pack a biga basket a food. She broughta da vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were lookina forward to da trip, and open upa da luncha basket. The conductore come aby, waga his finger at us anda say, 'no eat indisa car. Musta use a dining car.' So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to a dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta ta open da bottle of a nice a vino! Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car.' So, we go to cluba car. While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he waga his finger again and say, 'No a smokina disa car. Musta go to a smokina car.' "We go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar.
Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to a sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to go boombada boombada and the conductore, he walka through da hall shouting at a top of his a voice...'Nofolka Virginia ! Nofolka Virginia !'
"Nexta time, I'ma just gonna taka da bus."
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jokes
Feb 8, 2009 23:26:51 GMT
Post by WestAlbany on Feb 8, 2009 23:26:51 GMT
A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, "I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment." The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." He never heard the shot....
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jokes
Feb 9, 2009 7:20:29 GMT
Post by vicar on Feb 9, 2009 7:20:29 GMT
an exucutive was in a tough spot. due to the recession he had to lay one of his office staff off. he had narrowed it down to two people, debra or jack. it was a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified, did excellent work and friendly. he finally decided whichever one went to the water cooler first would go. debra came in next mornin hugely hung over after partying all night, she went to the cooler to take some aspirin. the axucutive approached her. "debra" i"ve never done this before. but i have to lay you or jack off. debra replied could you jack off,i have a terrible headcache.
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jokes
Feb 9, 2009 11:35:17 GMT
Post by miami on Feb 9, 2009 11:35:17 GMT
May your glass be ever full. May the roof over your head be always strong. And may you be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows you're dead.
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jokes
Feb 9, 2009 15:19:40 GMT
Post by WestAlbany on Feb 9, 2009 15:19:40 GMT
A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a bar stool.
After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet.
In a husky, deep voice the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke buddy, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter, and the lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy pauses and then says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
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jokes
Feb 10, 2009 2:06:26 GMT
Post by WestAlbany on Feb 10, 2009 2:06:26 GMT
A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jump the others, they began dancing around the table, exchanging high fives, all the while chanting, " 51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?@ The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2 4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"
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jokes
Feb 10, 2009 8:56:06 GMT
Post by Queenie on Feb 10, 2009 8:56:06 GMT
What do you call a blonde with brains?
A labrador
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jokes
Feb 10, 2009 9:43:48 GMT
Post by WestAlbany on Feb 10, 2009 9:43:48 GMT
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!"
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jokes
Feb 10, 2009 11:48:12 GMT
Post by vicar on Feb 10, 2009 11:48:12 GMT
solictor-"well" mrs o connor so you want a divorce, tell me do you have a grudge. mrs o connor-oh no,shure now we have a carport. solictor-well,does yer man beat you up. mrs o connor-oh god no, i"m always first out of bed. solictor-what i"m trying to find out. is what grounds you have. mrs o connor- "bless you sir" we live in a flat-not even a window box. solictor-"mrs o connor" you need a reason that the court can consider.what is the reason youre seeking divorce mrs o connor- "ah well now" shure its because the man cant hold a dacent conversation.
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jokes
Feb 10, 2009 21:02:08 GMT
Post by WestAlbany on Feb 10, 2009 21:02:08 GMT
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
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jokes
Feb 12, 2009 9:51:56 GMT
Post by WestAlbany on Feb 12, 2009 9:51:56 GMT
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do, Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
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ducky
New Member
Posts: 47
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jokes
Feb 12, 2009 14:37:59 GMT
Post by ducky on Feb 12, 2009 14:37:59 GMT
Paddy was sitting outside his local pub, lovely sunny day, having few nice cold pints. A nun walks past, stops, turns to Paddy, and shouts "DRINKING IS SINFUL! ALCOHOL IS THE DEVILS BLOOD! SHAME ON YOU!" Paddy is mortified, but gets defensive. "Hold on there sister, i'm only having a quiet pint, i'm doing no harm. Anyway, why do you think alcohol is bad?" She replies " the reverend mother told me!" Paddy asks "have you ever tried it?" "Of course not!" replies the nun. Paddy gets up says "I'm going to get you a drink and then make up your own mind!" and before she objects, he says he'll even put it in a teacup so no one will know whats in it. The nun looks very sheepish but reluctantly agrees. So, Paddy goes in to the barman and asks for "a treble vodka on the rocks and put it in a teacup". " Not that fecking nun again! says the barman.
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jokes
Feb 12, 2009 16:32:46 GMT
Post by WestAlbany on Feb 12, 2009 16:32:46 GMT
Paddy was in New York
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
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