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jokes
Feb 20, 2009 19:06:24 GMT
Post by WestAlbany on Feb 20, 2009 19:06:24 GMT
NEVER SAY TO A COP
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around.. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
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jokes
Feb 20, 2009 19:09:32 GMT
Post by WestAlbany on Feb 20, 2009 19:09:32 GMT
A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband.
Now, he was slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.
When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side.
"You know what"?
"What dear"? she asks gently.
"I think you're bad luck."
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jokes
Feb 21, 2009 0:33:04 GMT
Post by joepublic on Feb 21, 2009 0:33:04 GMT
A caring husband of a blonde ( not relevant if you are blonde ) wife was listening to a traffic report on the radio when he heard of a car driving in the wrong direction on the M50. Realising his wife should be on her way home at the time, after checking out how long it would take her to get to IKEA, he rings her mobile. She answers and he tells her to be careful as there's a lunatic driving the wrong way on the motorway to which she replied "It's crazy out here, they are all driving the wrong way"
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jokes
Feb 21, 2009 11:50:46 GMT
Post by WestAlbany on Feb 21, 2009 11:50:46 GMT
A teacher was doing a study testing the senses of first graders, using a bowl of lifesavers. With each color they ate, he would ask the children what it tasted like.
The children began to say: "Red............cherry," "Yellow.........lemon,"
"Green..........lime," "Orange.........orange," Finally the teacher gave them all honey lifesavers.
After eating them none of the children could identify the taste.
"Well," he said, "I'll give you all a clue... It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled:
"Oh My God!!!! They're assholes!"
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jokes
Feb 21, 2009 15:15:46 GMT
Post by WestAlbany on Feb 21, 2009 15:15:46 GMT
A Northern Territory farm hand radios back to the farm manager. Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the Ute. The pig's OK but he's stuck in the bull-bar at the front of my Ute and is wriggling and squealing so much I cannot get him out".
The manager says, "OK, there's a .303 behind the seat, take it out and shoot the pig in the head and you'll be able to remove him".
Five minutes later the farm hand calls back. "I did as you said Boss. Took the .303 and shot the pig in the head and removed him from the bull-bar. No problem there, but I still can't go on.
"Now what's the problem?" raged the manager..
"Well Boss, it's his motor bike. The flashing blue light is stuck under the right front wheel arch".....................
"You there boss?"
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jokes
Feb 21, 2009 15:18:04 GMT
Post by WestAlbany on Feb 21, 2009 15:18:04 GMT
First-year students at the University of California at Davis Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body.' For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.
Go ahead and do the same thing, he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid.
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jokes
Feb 21, 2009 15:22:07 GMT
Post by WestAlbany on Feb 21, 2009 15:22:07 GMT
An old country preacher had a teenage son and it was getting time for the boy to give some thought to choosing a profession.
Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment.. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects.
1. A Bible. 2. A silver dollar. 3. A bottle of whisky. 4. And a Playboy magazine.
'I'll just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said to himself. 'When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer'
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.
The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.
'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered. He's gonna run for Congress.'
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jokes
Feb 21, 2009 15:28:58 GMT
Post by WestAlbany on Feb 21, 2009 15:28:58 GMT
Life's Little Contradictions...
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants. ************************************************* I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me. ************************************************* How come we choose from just two people to run for president, and over fifty for Miss America ? ************************************************* I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the FIRST place! ************************************************* When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk." ************************************************* Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference. ************************************************* Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? ************************************************* Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison? ************************************************* Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever. ************************************************* Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court, when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside? ************************************************* Bumper sticker of the year: "If you can read this, thank a teacher - and - since it's in English, thank a soldier" ************************************************* And remember: Life is like a roll of toilet paper.
The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes... *************************************************
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jokes
Feb 22, 2009 13:04:29 GMT
Post by vicar on Feb 22, 2009 13:04:29 GMT
wife is helping husband set up password for computer. he inputs the new password "mypenis".wife falls off chair laughin, when the computer rejects the password for not being long enough.
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jokes
Feb 22, 2009 13:09:57 GMT
Post by joepublic on Feb 22, 2009 13:09:57 GMT
wife is helping husband set up password for computer. he inputs mypenis.wife falls off chair laughin, when the computer rejects the password for not being long enough. It can be a sore thing putting "mypenis" into a computer
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jokes
Feb 22, 2009 16:01:54 GMT
Post by April on Feb 22, 2009 16:01:54 GMT
wife is helping husband set up password for computer. he inputs mypenis.wife falls off chair laughin, when the computer rejects the password for not being long enough. It can be a sore thing putting "mypenis" into a computer You sound like your speaking from experience there Joe..... ;D
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jokes
Feb 22, 2009 18:07:38 GMT
Post by WestAlbany on Feb 22, 2009 18:07:38 GMT
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jokes
Feb 23, 2009 0:00:11 GMT
Post by olegunner on Feb 23, 2009 0:00:11 GMT
Blind Man
While redecorating a church, three nuns become extremely hot and sweaty in their habits, so Mother Superior says, "Let's take our clothes off, and work naked." The other two nuns disapprove, and ask, "What if someone sees us?" But the Mother Superior says, "Don't worry, no one will see us, we'll just lock the door." So the other nuns agree, strip down and return to work. Suddenly, they hear a knock at the door, and grab their clothes in a panic. Mother Superior runs to the door and calls through, "Who is it?" "Blind man," a man's voice comes back.
So she opens the door, and lets in the blind man, who turns to the nuns and says, "Great tits, ladies, now where do you want these blinds?"
Car Smash Lovers A woman and a man driver are involved in a horrific collision, but amazingly both escape completely unhurt - though their cars are written off. As they crawl out of the wreckage, the man sees the woman is blonde and strikingly beautiful. Then the woman turns to the man and gushes breathily: 'That's incredible - both our cars are demolished but we're fine. It must be a sign from God that we are meant to be together!' Sensing a promise, the man stammers back, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely!'
The woman goes on, 'And look, though my car was destroyed, this bottle of wine survived intact, too! It must be another sign. Let's drink to our love!'
'Well, OK!' says the man, going with the moment. She offers him the bottle, so he downs half of it and hands it back.
'Your turn,' says the man.
'No, thanks,' says the woman, 'I think I'll just wait for the police.'
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jokes
Feb 23, 2009 20:06:09 GMT
Post by sugarloves on Feb 23, 2009 20:06:09 GMT
nice one..... now a northsider would never think of doing that would they... no i just drink the whole bottle not one for sharing me ..............
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jokes
Feb 24, 2009 14:48:31 GMT
Post by WestAlbany on Feb 24, 2009 14:48:31 GMT
MEXICAN EARTHQUAKE
A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Mexico.
Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.
The rest of the world is in shock.
Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
Other Latin American countries are sending supplies.
The European community (except France) is sending food and money.
The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Mexicans.
God Bless America
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